Recently I attended the funeral of an elderly man that I did not know particularly well. During the service, family members and the officiating minister made the usual references and paid tribute to the man’s life and the contribution he made to his family and wider society.
I have conducted a lot of funerals and in most of them opportunity is given to some to reflect on the life and times of the deceased. Of course that may not always be possible, I have officiated at the funerals of very young babies, as well as those who have lived a rich and full life. I am always affected emotionally on these occasions, always. I do not grieve for the one who has died, but for the loss felt by those that remain, in some cases that loss is palpable. I recall one particular funeral, of a man in his thirty’s that took his own life. He was associated with the biker community and all that they are connected with. As I looked out at the mourners, tough looking men and their partners, I was struck by an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Their eyes were vacant behind the sorrow, they did not comprehend this death and had no way to deal with it. That affected me.
Often in teaching or mentoring others I will ask them to produce a timeline indicating times of significance in their life. At the end of the line I will ask them to draw a tombstone. On that tombstone I ask them to write their epitaph, or the things they would like others to write about them when they are gone. For those who find this insensitive or too challenging I may ask them to imagine that they are at a party and are the first to leave. If they were able to sneak back and listen in, what would they expect to hear people say about them? What sort of impression did they leave, how would they be remembered?
My father in law was a funeral director for nearly thirty years, he always vowed he would not have a funeral because he found the hypocrisy of them too much to take. His frequent comment was that if people had something good to say, they should do it when the deceased is alive and not try to find something after they die. When he died, and I conducted his funeral, hundreds attended and many good (and true) things were said.
In all of the funerals I have conducted, and often in the time leading to the final parting, I have yet to hear someone say they regretted not spending more time in the office or at work. None of them said they wished they kept their house cleaner, or their car better maintained. No one has told me that they were disappointed at the state of their investments. My father in law was fond of saying that in his nearly thirty years as a funeral director he never saw a trailer on the back of a hearse.
At one funeral I conducted the deceased had expressed the wish that the final song should be one by the Crypt Kickers Five, called the Monster Mash. He wanted them to remember him with a smile. At another the casket was brought on the back of a prime mover accompanied by a couple of motorcycle riders. These were memories the deceased wanted left that said something about them. Others leave different recollections: Charles Spurgeon once wrote of John Bunyan ‘prick him anywhere and he bleeds Bible’. I remember conversations with an elderly friend of my father in law, whatever the topic, within a sentence of two he would be talking about Jesus.
What would you write as your epitaph, what would I? How would we like to be spoken of when we leave that party? Would our ears burn, or would we be humbled? How about some of these: ‘apparently had a really good sense of humour, but I never hear him laugh at home’ or ‘She was really keen on sport, but never watched me play’, ‘a great family man, but was always at work’, ‘don’t really know what she believed about God’, ‘Has a real talent for pointing out what is wrong in others’, ‘really good at starting projects, but…’ and so on. Obviously none of us would want or expect these things to be said about us – but I have been to too many funerals where participants were searching to find those glowing tributes that they wanted for those to whom they were saying their last good byes.
If we want good things said about us when we leave, then we need to arrange our lives so that it becomes possible. We need to live intentionally, determine what values we want to instil in others, what sort of legacy we would like to leave and let these things inform the choices we make about how to live.
As I reflect on this I realise I have a lot of work to do, a lot of reframing of my own priorities, and a lot of ground to make up. What would I like written of me? A tough question. Perhaps that ‘his life made a difference to others’, will that be said? That will be left to others but it will really depend on what I do with the life and time that God has given me to live right now.
Richard W.Foster 